My Past and Struggles with Food Issues 2

I left off talking about junior high and high school. After posting I pulled out a dusty old box of pictures. I found pictures from elementary, junior high, and high school. I had some scanning issues but will get the pictures up eventually. Looking at these pictures made me mad. Why did I think I was fat? I found so many pictures of myself sitting with my arms crossed - classic teenage Carrie - trying to cover her non-existent stomach. I wish I could go back and talk to this girl.

I wasted so much time obsessing about my body and my weight. Me, me, me! And honestly, one of the things I have come to realize recently is that I have still been obsessing about it. Whether it is how many calories I have eaten, or woe is me I can't fit into my jeans. There are so many more important things to focus my thoughts on. But I will get to that, for now, back to the past.

So like I said, throughout my youth, I thought I was fat but was not. I even remember the summer before my senior year, going to tennis camp in Santa Cruz and refusing to take the one "fun day" at the beach because I was afraid to be seen in a bathing suit. I was probably in the best shape of my life. So while all my new friends went to the beach and the boardwalk, I stayed at the tennis courts and hit balls against the ball machine.

So when did I actually start to gain weight? It is so hard to say since I always truly believed I was fat. I don't know when it started so it was probably pretty gradual. Maybe that is how it happens for most people. It creeps up on you. But I do think part of my problem was; I just gave up. My expectations of myself, my dieting, my sit ups and aerobics classes, all the tennis and running - nothing was working. I would never have that flat stomach, so I gave up. And then I had a new reason to eat, I was depressed because I was fat, so I ate to make myself feel better. It was a vicious cycle.

So far I have mostly talked about body image. I have a lot to say about overcoming food issues but I feel like body image is at the root of this problem. The difference between how a person sees them self and reality. How a person sees them self is their own reality even if it is in contrast with how the world views them. In my youth I thought I was fat but was not. But my body image effected the way I lived my life. When I entered my twenties, I could have been medically classified as overweight.

I do know there is a difference between someone who is 160 pounds, 180 pounds, 250 pounds or more. But in that 160 pound person's head, they may weight 250 pounds. Or that might be what they see when they look in the mirror. And the opposite can also be true. After eating healthy and exercising for two or three days, a person might feel truly thinner and more confident when they have actually not lost any weight. These are some of the ideas I will be talking more about as I talk about renewing my mind in the way I think about food and the way I see myself.